


There Is Some Escape

by That_House



Category: Hades (Video Game 2018)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Road Trip, Charon is a car, Child Abuse, Dionysus needs his liquor license taken away, F/M, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Hermes is an underpaid highschooler, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Pining, Zeus is a fuckboy war criminal, does he count as a character if he's nonsentient?, dumb of ass slow of burn, mort is here, than's adorable stuffed animal, there's a bit of Hermes/Charon but Charon is a car, yes he does, you know, zag and meg are exes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-10
Updated: 2021-01-05
Packaged: 2021-03-08 23:08:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 15,934
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27494719
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/That_House/pseuds/That_House
Summary: Senior year is over, and champion fencer Zagreus and his genius best friend Thanatos are stealing Hades' car and are going on a road trip. Sure would be a shame if they fell in love huhI needed to make a Thanzag road trip fic.
Relationships: Thanatos/Zagreus (Hades Video Game)
Comments: 154
Kudos: 272





	1. Three in the Morning

**Author's Note:**

> Chapter 1 of who knows how many!  
> I have no idea where I'm going with this and it is entirely plausible that it's never completed. We'll see how it goes.

It was 3 in the morning and Zagreus couldn’t sleep. Instead he lay in his bed, face illuminated by his phone, planning his escape. He quickly sent a text to his best friend. Even with the ringer off, his phone’s quiet buzz sounded far too loud. It wouldn’t do for Father to hear him.

“than”

He waited a minute, then sent another text. “than”

“than”

“u up?”

To the surprise of absolutely no one, Thanatos was indeed up. He was probably finishing his homework for his sixth or seventh digital college class. It was summer vacation and he had just graduated from high school. He seemed to be allergic to taking it easy, an affliction which Zagreus most definitely didn’t share.

“What do you want, Zag?” Thanatos always used perfect grammar and punctuation in his texts.

“road trip road trip road trip” Zagreus did not.

“What?”

“lets go on a road trip”

“It is 3:00 AM. I have work to do.”

“plz”

“You’re serious?”

“ye”

Thanatos made no reply for a few minutes. Zagreus wasn’t worried. Thanatos hated procrastinating and always complained about how much work he had, but Zagreus had never seen anyone capable of getting so much work done in so little time. Despite his overflowing schedule, Than always made time for him.

“Alright, but I may have to do some work while we’re on the road.”

“k be there in 10”

Zagreus eased open the door to his room. 18 years of trying to sneak out of the house had taught him how to avoid both the creaking floorboards and the security cameras. Father claimed the cameras were to deter burglars, but they both knew that was a lie.

The car keys were in Hades’ bedside drawer. Thankfully, Father never locked his door, but outside it slept the Cerberuses, his three enormous guard dogs. Carefully stepping over them, Zagreus entered his father’s room and crept over to the bedside table. The drawer squeaked as it opened, and Hades rolled over in his sleep.

Hades was a giant of a man, nearly 7 feet tall and with the musculature of a professional bodybuilder. As the owner of a very successful chain of private prisons, he’d made himself a massive fortune, enlarged it through careful investing, and had spent much of it on every fine thing that life had to offer. His wealth wasn’t enough to make Persephone stick around, but it  _ was  _ enough to get him custody of their son. Not that he deserved it.

Zagreus stood as still as the statues which adorned the halls of the manor. His bare feet were cold against the polished marble of the floor. Who had marble floors in their bedroom anyway? 

The silence stretched on for what felt like hours, Hades’ sleeping form facing Zagreus’ tense one. 

Finally, a noise broke the silence.

It was a snore. Zagreus could have cried from relief. He quietly rooted around in the drawer until he found the keys to Hades’ favorite car, a black sedan with gold accents which his father lovingly called Charon. As an afterthought, he swiped the credit card, too. He pocketed the keys and closed the drawer, careful not to let it squeak, and then it was back out of the room, closing the door behind him and painstakingly stepping over the dogs.

Zagreus turned the corner and ran right into Achilles. Hades had been determined that his useless son, who lacked the sense to make good investments or run a prison, still make something of himself so as not to ruin the family’s good name, and the solution had been Achilles.  A former Olympian fencer, Achilles had coached Zagreus until he could hold his own. Zagreus had won three national fencing tournaments and would have been headed to Olympus University on an athletic scholarship if Hades hadn’t insisted that he go to business school instead. It seemed that no amount of winning would ever win his father over.

“Where are you going, lad?”

“Oh, you know. Out.”

“Your father won’t be happy to hear that, I expect. I think he’d be rather displeased with me if I let you go”

“C’mon, Achilles mate, surely you can let it slide. Just this once? For me?”

“Alright, but I warned you. When do you anticipate you’ll be returning?”

“I don’t quite know. Tell Ms. Dusa I said hi for me, will you?”

“I’ll pass it on. Good luck out there lad.”

With a sigh of relief, Zagreus stepped around his fencing instructor and out the door, into the night.

He was free. He wanted to sing, or perhaps dance, but he wasn’t particularly skilled at either and the catharsis of such an action would hardly be worth getting caught and grounded. He settled for skipping over to where Charon sat parked in the driveway and climbing in.

Thanatos’ house was a few streets down, still in the wealthy part of town. Than’s family were old money, and they were significantly more functional than Zagreus’. He’d known Thanatos and Hypnos for his entire life and as far as he knew, Nyx had never hit them. He pulled up into their driveway and got out his phone, only to see Than standing there already, waiting for him.

Than climbed into the seat next to him, tossing his bag in the back, leaving his laptop in the front seat. Just as they were about to pull out from the driveway, Nyx came running, carrying something in her hands. Zagreus rolled down the window. “Yes?”

Nyx reached across Zagreus to Thanatos, offering him whatever it was she was holding. “Child, you nearly forgot Mort.” Zagreus saw that it was a tiny stuffed mouse, and vaguely remembered it from when he and Than were younger. It used to sit on Thanatos’ bed, right by his pillow.

Thanatos took the stuffed mouse, hugged him, and placed him gently on the dashboard. “Mother, I am 18 years old. I don’t need Mort to fall asleep at night anymore. But… thank you.” Zagreus tried to hide his growing smile. For someone so grown-up, Thanatos could be so cute sometimes.

As Thanatos opened his laptop, Zagreus raised an eyebrow. “Than, are you really still getting work done?”

Thanatos rolled his eyes. “I’m currently trying to plot out our route. This is your trip. Where do you want to go?”

“My mom lives somewhere in California, right? Let’s go find her!”

Thanatos sighed. “Zagreus, you don't know where she lives, and California has an area of approximately  165,000 square miles and is on the other side of the country.”

“And?”


	2. Event Horizon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the boys buy snacks
> 
> Zagreus realizes something and also cries (for unrelated reasons)
> 
> Mort is here
> 
> also Orpheus is a rock star or something idk

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Watch me upload two chapters on consecutive days like someone with literally no life. My plan from here on out is to only post a chapter once I have the chapter after it finished, so that I don't leave this unfinished. Also it gives me a little more time to proofread things because I typically kinda dont. This does, in fact, mean that Chapter 3 is done! :D
> 
> Anyway this is my first ever fanfic (and first story longer than like 2 pages, and first love story) and I'm super grateful for the positive response so far! Hopefully it doesn't disappoint!

Driving down the highway as the first morning rays reached above the horizon, a touch above the speed limit, an Orpheus song blaring over the speakers, with his best friend next to him and Mort on the dashboard, Zagreus had never felt more alive. He was out. He was free. What could go wrong? Worst-case scenario, he’d crash Charon, and honestly the destruction of Hades’ beloved car would hurt him more than the crash could hurt Zagreus. At the very least, Father would miss the car more than him.

“Orpheus was better when he was working with Eurydice. His more recent music is shit compared to how it used to be.” Thanatos had strong opinions about Orpheus.

“Oh please. Lernie is one of his best albums yet!”

“I beg to differ. Orpheus may be a talented musician, but Eurydice was the lyrical genius. What would you say is the best song on Lernie?”

“Bloodless, obviously. The guitar is just perfect. I’d say it’s his best-”

Thanatos cut him off, unwilling to let him spout such heresy. “And it doesn’t hold a candle to a single song on Sisyphus. That album deserved every Grammy it got.”

“You’ve got me there, mate. We can both agree that Sisyphus was a perfect album.”

Bloodless came on, and Zagreus started singing along. Zagreus couldn’t hold a tune to save his life, but he tried anyway. Than came in on the chorus, and his voice nearly made Zagreus’ heart stop. It was perfect, melodious and deep and- Zagreus shook his head, trying to clear his thoughts.

A minute or so later, Zagreus tried to play air guitar along with the music, until Thanatos reminded him to keep his hands on the steering wheel. Chagrined, he drove in silence for a few minutes.

“Anywhere you wanna go? We’ve got all the money we need, until Father cancels his credit card. After that we’ve got the bit of cash I brought along. Then I suppose we’ll starve to death.”

“Don’t you suppose we should buy some food?”

“Shit you’re right. Tell me, Than, where would I be without you?”

“...you would starve to death, obviously.”

Pulling off the highway in search of a gas station or a grocery store, Zagreus dug into his pocket in search of the credit card, eventually pulling it out and showing it to Thanatos with a flourish, only to fumble it and drop it between the seats.

“Shit. Where did it go?” He reached back behind the seat and tried to find it by feel. His fingers brushed against it, but his reach was just barely too short to grab it. Suddenly he felt something warm gently graze his knuckles, and realized Than had reached down to grab the card. A jolt of what felt like lightning surged through his body.

“You dropped this,” said Than with a small smile. The sun still wasn’t high enough for Thanatos to see Zagreus blush.

“Thanks, mate.” What was he thinking? Thanatos was his friend. That was it. They’d known each other their whole lives, and he wasn’t about to make things weird  _ now _ . Than was a terrible actor. If he’d liked Zagreus, it would have been obvious.

Pushing down his treacherous thoughts, Zagreus followed the road signs for a few more miles, eventually reaching a gas station. Charon had a full tank of gas, so they were just here for the food.

“C’mon, Than, let’s get some snacks!”

“You handle the junk food. I’m grabbing some fruit and water.”

“What? Why?” As a kid, Zagreus had refused to eat healthy, and Hades had refused to let him eat until he got some vegetables in his body. He still hated healthy food.

“However much you complain now, you’re going to complain more when you’re dehydrated and constipated.” Thanatos probably consulted the food pyramid when creating his meals.

“Whatever. I’m getting soda and cookies.” Zagreus spread his arms as the automatic doors swung open. He’d always liked doing that. It made him feel like a wizard.

Loading his arms with as many Oreos, potato chips, and bottles of Mountain Dew as he could carry, Zagreus staggered over to the counter and passed the cashier the credit card. She glanced at the towering heap of crap with a bemused expression. “Will that be all?”   
“Just waiting for my boyf- my friend over there.” It was bright enough in the store that there was no hiding this blush, but thankfully it faded before Than came over bearing the health food. Zag hurriedly paid for the food and ushered Thanatos out of the store, but not before the cashier could wave good-bye with a cheerful “Have fun you two!”

“What was that about?”

“I… uh… just want to put as much space between us and Hades before he wakes up.”

“In the most respectful way possible, I fucking hate that man. He has no right to treat you the way he does.”

“That makes two of us. I’ve fantasized about beating the shit out of him more times than I can count, but shortly after that, the fantasy ends. I don’t know what could come next. I can’t imagine a world without him in it. He’s just… everywhere. He’s like a black hole. Everything just becomes about him.”

Thanatos put a hand on Zagreus’ shoulder. Zagreus shuddered. Whether it was a reaction to the touch or to the emotions welling up inside him, he wasn’t sure.“He deserves to be in jail.”

Zagreus laughed. Or was he crying? No reason it couldn’t be both. “That’ll never happen. He’s too rich, too famous to face consequences. I’m stuck with him. When this trip is over he’s going to drag me back. I’m past the event horizon. Fuck.”

The next thing Zagreus knew, he was sobbing in the parking lot of a gas station, tears streaming down his face. He’d abandoned his hopes a long time ago. Hope was for people whose fathers didn’t own twelve houses. Hope was for people who didn’t grow up with Hades. It felt like he was choking. On his tears, on his father’s expectations, on his father’s hate, it didn’t matter.

Suddenly, like sunlight breaking through storm clouds, Thanatos’ arms were around him. Than held him up, surprisingly strong for someone who spent his whole life cooped up indoors. The world was so wrong. But this? This felt right.

A minute passed. The tears slowed, and then stopped. “Feeling any better?”

“Yeah. Thank you.” Zagreus extricated himself from the hug.

“Of course. You’re my best friend, and the next time I encounter your father I’ll punch him in the dick for you.”


	3. Beethoven's Ninth Symphony

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> zagreus takes a nap and also gets a phone call from his ex
> 
> he also has an increasingly large crush on Than but we knew this already

Best friend. Than was Zagreus’ best friend, his only friend, really, and hearing that he meant just as much to Thanatos should have felt amazing. Damn it, why couldn’t that be enough? They were friends. They were best friends. It wasn’t enough, couldn’t be enough, but it would have to be enough.

“Maybe I should drive.” Thanatos’ voice cut through the silence.

“What? Why?”

“Zagreus.”

“Yeah?”

“You’re in the wrong lane.” Zagreus quickly checked the veracity of this statement. He was.

“Oh. Shit. Yeah, you’re probably right.”

And suddenly Thanatos was laughing, and Zagreus stared at him for a second, before joining in. Zagreus would have given anything to stay in that moment, laughing with his best friend. Yes. His best friend. That was all they were.

Zagreus pulled over to the side of the road and stretched. “I think I need some sleep. You sure you’ll be fine driving?” The two switched sides and Zagreus reclined his seat back as far as it could go.

“I’ll be okay. I can’t sleep in a car anyway. Get some rest, I’ll take us somewhere interesting.”

There was no reply from Zagreus’ side of the car. He was already asleep.

When Zagreus awoke, he let out a massive yawn, causing Thanatos to jump in the driver's seat. He was suddenly aware of the fact that he was covered head-to-toe in a lightweight blanket, which he distinctly did not remember wrapping himself in. He gathered it up, folded it, and put it in the back without saying a word. No need to make a big deal out of it.

Thanatos looked over at him as Zagreus slid up into view along with the back of the seat. “Feeling any better?”

“A lot. Thanks, mate.”

“You missed a few phone calls.”

“From who?”   
“I don’t know. Unlike you, I’m a responsible driver who keeps my eyes on the road.”

“What was the ringtone?” The closest Zagreus came to being organized was picking a special ringtone for all of his contacts. Father’s was a tornado warning siren, Thanatos’ was Eurydice’s hit single Good Riddance, and Meg’s was-

“It was Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony.”

Zagreus groaned. “It’s Meg.”

Despite attending the same schools as Megaera for much of his life, Zagreus had never gotten to know her until they faced each other in a fencing tournament back in middle school. It had been a close match, but she had been the better fencer. Ever the good sport, Zagreus had congratulated her after the match and soon they were talking about their love for fencing and their messed-up families.

Meg had two older sisters, both of whom were grade-A assholes. Alecto was a few years older than Meg, and was just a typical popular bully. Tisiphone, the eldest, was in jail for murder and drug charges. They both hated their younger sister.

Meg and Zagreus quickly became close friends, and it was unclear when they went from friends to something more, but at some point they were asking each other where they wanted to go on their date, as opposed to merely asking where they wanted to hang out.

Meg was a straight-A student and almost as naturally athletic as Zagreus. She was the only one of Zagreus’ friends who Hades approved of, and after they broke up Hades gave her an internship at one of his businesses.

In Zagreus’ opinion, the reason behind their breakup was bullshit. Meg had always been competitive. Too competitive. She got better grades than Than, and was happy to let everyone know. She never walked anywhere when she could race people. For much of their relationship, they were equals in fencing, but eventually Zagreus pulled ahead. When they faced each other in the final match of Zagreus’ second nationwide tournament, Meg hadn’t landed a hit on him, getting angrier and angrier with each bout he won. She’d nearly cried at the tournament, and then she stopped responding to texts. They hadn’t really talked since, and she’d treated him with reserved coldness in each of their interactions.

“Well, I suppose I’d better call her back.”

Thanatos sighed. “Probably a good idea.”

Zagreus grabbed his phone from the cup holder where he’d stashed it, and made the call. Meg picked up on the second ring.

“Zagreus, you idiot. You’ve really fucked up this time.” Meg wasn’t one to mince her words. Zagreus had liked that about her.

“Who, me? Surely you must be thinking about some other idiot. I’ve made nothing but good decisions lately. Also, you’re on speaker, so no swearing.” Thanatos snorted, much to Zagreus’ delight.

Zagreus could practically see the exasperated look that must have crossed Meg’s face. “You’d call stealing your father’s car and taking it for a joyride a good decision? You’re going to be in so much trouble when you get back.”

“I beg your pardon. This isn’t a joyride! This is a road trip. And I’m not sure if I’m coming back.”

“Either way it doesn’t matter. I don’t assume you’ve checked the news?”

“No? What happened?”

“Your father suggested that you may have been kidnapped. He doesn’t believe it, of course, but the cops do.”

“And you’re warning me? Meg, this is the nicest thing you’ve ever done for me.”

“Don’t get used to it. It’s none of my business if you want to get away. But I’m not going to stick my neck out any further for you. You’re on your own.” And with that, she hung up.

“Wow, not even a good-bye. Rude.” Zagreus looked to Than and cracked a smile. Thanatos wasn’t smiling.

“Zag. The police are after us. We... may have made a mistake.”

“Nonsense! It’ll be an adventure! Before I fell asleep I vaguely remember you saying you would take us somewhere fun! Where might that be?”

“I think I found a museum you might like.”

“Nerd.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> help i can't stop writing this 
> 
> chapter 5 is most of the way done
> 
> please 
> 
> i'm writing more than a chapter a day
> 
> sorry if there are any errors what even is proofreading
> 
> these bois i cant gjhkghjghff


	4. Museum

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> zagreus and thanatos go to a museum
> 
> not a lot happens in this chapter
> 
> mostly fluff

“Why do we have to go to a museum? Can’t we go to the beach or something?” Zagreus had never particularly enjoyed museums. They were stuffy, crowded, and full of art that he quite honestly didn’t care about.

“You’ll like it, trust me.”

“Okay, but I get to pick our next stop and we’re gonna listen to Bloodless on loop until we get to the museum.”

“Deal.”

Zagreus pouted as long as he could, but Thanatos was humming along to the music and it was difficult not to enjoy himself under such circumstances. Even if the museum was boring, at least he would be hanging out with Than. Maybe they could kiss by the Van Goghs. Nope, that was out of the question. It was pretty clear that Than saw him as a friend, and nothing more.

That line of thinking killed Zagreus’ good mood again. He would give anything to go back to how things were yesterday. Ugh, why did he feel this way? Thanatos started singing along to Bloodless and his voice made Zagreus feel like he was floating once more. Oh. That was why. He needed to take his mind off of his developing… whatever this was, and decided that the best way to do it was to annoy Than.

“Are we there yet?”

“Zag, we’re still on the highway. Two more exits to go.”

“Are we there yet?”

“Must you be so juvenile?”

“Are we there yet?

“Still no.”

“Are we there yet?”

“I swear I will turn this car around and take us back to-” Thanatos cut himself off, realizing what he’d said as Zagreus’ face paled. “Shit. I’m so sorry.”

“It’s okay. Really. Let’s just keep going.”

A minute passed, with only Orpheus’ guitar and voice to break the silence. As they passed the next exit, Zagreus spoke.

“Are we there yet?”

“Please. Stop.”

“Never! I shall continue to hound you until your dying day, or until we get to the museum!”

Thanatos sighed. “Could you pass me some crackers or something? I can’t tolerate your antics on an empty stomach.”

Zagreus reached into the back seat of the car to grab a pack of Oreos. “Here you go,” he said, tossing the cookies into Than’s lap.

“Really? You’re going to throw food at the person driving the car? You’re going to get us both killed. I am amazed you managed to survive 18 years without me watching your every move.” The thought of Than watching his every move briefly distracted Zagreus from the accident he almost caused. 

“Sorry about that, mate.” He reached over, took back the cookies, and opened them, then passed one to Than, trying to ignore the brush of Than’s fingers against his own as his friend took the cookie and popped it into his mouth. He had a problem, clearly.

“Alright, we’re ‘there yet,’” Thanatos said as they pulled into the parking lot of the museum.

The anticipation of a boring afternoon had settled over Zagreus like a thick fog, and his dread crept into his voice. “What even is this muse- oh!” It was then that Zagreus saw the sign at the entrance to the parking lot, his apprehension vanishing. “Museum of Medieval Arms and Armor? Than, this might actually be fun!”

“I saw it on the map and thought you might like it.” Zagreus was a huge fan of medieval stuff. Swords, bows, shields, spears, they all had a deadly beauty to them. This was going to be a good afternoon.

“Come on come on come on, let’s go!” Zagreus had his seatbelt off and his door open long before the car came to a stop, and was out of the car as soon as Thanatos put it into park. While Than was unbuckling his seatbelt, Zagreus ran around to the drivers’ side door and opened it for him with a bow. “Thank you, your excellent museum-choosing majesty.” Thanatos smiled as he got out of the car, and Zagreus gave himself a little mental pat on the back.

The museum was everything Zagreus had expected it to be. Rows and rows of brightly-polished armor in glass cases lined the halls as far as he could see. In places like this, the temptation to break the glass and put on a suit was almost unbearable.

Thanatos seemed to sense his thoughts. “Don’t do it.”

Zagreus feigned innocence. “Do what?”

“You’re considering trying to punch through the glass.”

“Me? No! Never! Well, maybe.”

“Try to restrain yourself.” Thanatos dropped to a whisper. “We  _ are  _ being pursued by the police, after all. It wouldn’t do to draw undue attention to ourselves.”

“You’re right, you’re right. What if I-” They turned a corner into a room full of swords, and Zagreus forgot what he was saying in favor of ogling the weapons. “Okay, what if we just took one of the swords. There’s so many of them. They’d hardly miss one.”

“Zagreus. My friend. There is a security guard right there,” said Thanatos, gesturing towards the guard whom Zagreus had somehow failed to notice. “If you want to see one of the rest of the exhibits, it would be wise to not get us thrown out.”

“Fine.”

“I’m glad you saw sense.”

“Do you think we can swipe something on the way out?”

“Be good and I’ll get you something from the gift shop.”

After a few hours of wandering the exhibits, Zagreus had gotten his sword fix and the two were eager to be on the road again. Before leaving the museum, they stopped at the gift shop as promised. “Give me the credit card and wait in Charon, Zag. You didn’t give into your kleptomaniacal urges, you earned your present”

“You’re buying me a gift with my own money?”

“It’s your dad’s money, and yes I am.”

“Alright, works for me!” Zagreus sauntered back to the car, all in all content with how the day had turned out.

It wasn’t too long before Than came back to the car with a long, thin package in his arms and a smile on his face. “This was the nicest sword they had on sale. Hope it makes up for all the ones you couldn’t steal.”

“Than, I don’t know what to say. I was expecting something like a candy bar or a silly little foam crown, not… this.”

“A thank you would suffice.”

“Thank you so much, mate! Holy shit. Let me open this bad boy up.” Thanatos handed him the box, which Zagreus tore open down the middle with no regard to seams or tape. When he saw the sword, he gasped. It was plain metal with a wooden handle, but it looked sturdy and sharp.

Damn it. Zagreus should have found a less awesome person to fall in- to get a crush- to be friends with. There. Just friends. No point in thinking about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> is this chekhov's sword?
> 
> no it will never be used for a practical purpose
> 
> help im working on chapter 8 rn
> 
> i have a Problem(tm)
> 
> thanks for reading this so far <3


	5. Runaway

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Than takes a nap
> 
> Zagreus reminisces and pines
> 
> They eat Oreos
> 
> Nabisco plz sponsor me

The sun had dropped below the horizon a few hours ago, and they were driving in darkness. Zagreus had slept in the morning, and wasn’t remotely tired. Judging from Than’s yawns, he didn’t feel the same way.

“Hey, Than, you should get some sleep.”

“I find it difficult to sleep in moving vehicles.”

“We can stop for the night. You go lie down in the back, and I’ll find us somewhere to pull over.”

“Very well.”

It took about an hour, but eventually Zagreus got off the highway and found a convenience store parking lot that seemed unlikely to run them off if they stayed the night.

“Alright, Than, we’re here. Try to get some rest.”

“Mmph.” All Zagreus could see of his friend was a pile of blankets and a flash of white hair that stood out starkly against the gloom of the back seat. Careful not to disturb him, Zagreus reached under the seat to grab a bottle of soda, uncapping it as slowly and quietly as possible.

“Than?”

“Mm-hm?”

“Thanks. For this. For everything. For running away with me.”

“Mmph.”

Than’s breathing slowed.

Zagreus opened his phone and checked his messages. There were a few texts from Meg, mostly of the “call me back, idiot” variety. One from Ms. Dusa, his Father’s housekeeper, asking where he was. A text from Achilles, reminding him to work out if he found the time. A few messages from people from school and the internet, but he didn’t feel like answering them.

Thanatos rolled over, and Zagreus suddenly realized how bright the phone screen was. Turning his phone off and putting it back in the cupholder, Zagreus pressed his head up against the window, looking out at the empty parking lot. There were a few street lights and every so often a car drove past on the highway, but for the most part the world was quiet, dark, and empty.

Unbidden, his thoughts and his gaze turned back to his best friend on the seat behind him. As his eyes adjusted to the darkness, he could make out Than’s shape better. He was bundled in blankets with his hood up, so all that was visible of him was his sleeping face.

Why did things have to be so complicated? Why couldn’t he be content with just being friends? Why did he want to reach out and push that one strand of Than’s hair back into place? Zagreus sighed. What cruel twist of fate had given him such a handsome, thoughtful best friend?

He recalled the day they’d met. It had been the first week of third grade. A Thursday, to be precise. Zagreus wasn’t sure how he remembered that. Than had sat in the back of the class, all alone, for the first few days of school. He’d looked so lonely, and so on Thursday morning he went to the back of the room and sat in the empty seat next to him. Back then, Than’s hair had been black, but his eyes were still the same piercing gold, which young Zagreus had been quick to notice.

“Hi, my name’s Zagreus! I like your eyes!”

Thanatos had startled, not expecting anyone to talk to him, especially not the popular, athletic kid with the mismatched eyes. “Uh… I’m Thanatos. I like yours, too.”

“We can make a club! No one with normal eyes can join! What are you reading?” Zagreus had never been much for reading, but he’d seen Thanatos reading every day, and figured it was a good topic of conversation. It had been the right thing to say, and they were friends ever since.

They’d brought out the best in each other. Zagreus had been the only thing able to convince Than to spend any time outside, and Than had gradually gotten more comfortable around people. On the other hand, Thanatos encouraged Zagreus to do his homework and occasionally think before acting. It wouldn’t be unreasonable to say that Zagreus only graduated high school thanks to Thanatos.

As a kid, Zagreus had taken any chance he could get to sleep over at Than’s. A night out of the house, away from Hades, hanging out with his best friend? They would play video games (which Zagreus usually won), watch movies, and eat ice cream until they nearly puked.

They’d been best friends for nearly a decade, and some part of Zagreus wanted to mess it all up.

Fuck.

Why?

Thanatos made a noise, halfway between a cry and a snore. He was gently twitching in his nest of blankets. That was something Zagreus remembered from their sleepovers, and it meant that Than was having a nightmare.

Than had been prone to nightmares for as long as Zagreus could remember, though thankfully there was an easy solution. Zagreus reached over the dashboard to grab Mort, and then leaned into the back to tuck the mouse into Thanatos’ blankets. Than sleepily hugged the mouse closer to his body, and the stirring stopped.

Before returning to his seat, Zagreus returned Than’s wayward strand of hair to where it belonged, smiling all the while. Crisis averted, Zagreus’ thoughts reentered their new familiar territory just in time for a new terrifying idea to cross his mind.

What if Than didn’t like guys?

In all their sleepovers, Zagreus had told Thanatos about every crush he ever had. Than was a good listener, and had seemed happy enough to listen to Zagreus’ romantic hopes and dreams, but he’d never said anything himself. Everyone in town had known that Zagreus was bi, but even Zagreus had no clue what Than’s sexuality was.

Putting this new and horrible thought aside, Zagreus returned his gaze to the world outside Charon. Fuck this. He needed to clear his head.

He got out of the car as quietly as possible, and started walking. He didn’t plan to go too far, he just needed to get away for a bit.

There he was, running away from the person he was running away with. What was wrong with him? Why was his solution to all his problems just to turn tail and run? Why had it been Mother’s solution? Things were better before she left. Father had been distant, but he had never yelled or lashed out at Zagreus, and he had been kind to Mother. Father used to smile. But when Persephone left, he became gloomy and cruel. Why did she leave?

Zagreus wandered across the street and up a hill, sitting at the top of it. The land stretched away for miles, with mountains just barely invisible, inky black shapes against a dark indigo sky.

Would Zagreus ever be happy in one place? The car, which had begun to feel like home, had become cramped. Zagreus was drowning in his own confusion. His thoughts were crowding him, jostling for attention, pushing him around until he felt nauseous.

It seemed like a trend in Zagreus’ life. Everything used to be simple. If he didn’t bother Father while he was working, they would go get ice cream as a family. If he hung out with Than, he was happy and content. Nothing he did anymore could please Father, and Zagreus’ relationship with Thanatos was starting to feel like it would never be enough, either.

It was a nice summer night. Too nice for these kinds of thoughts. Maybe he’d just find somewhere to sit until the sun rose. Maybe he’d go back to the car and fall asleep next to his best friend. Maybe he’d just run off into the woods and never see another human again. Who knew? Certainly not Zagreus.

Than solved the problem for him, by waking up and texting him.

“Where did you go?”

“walk”

“Are you okay?”

“no”

“Can I help?”

“no”

“Can I stand next to you?”

“ye”

“Could you do me the favor of telling me where you are so I can do that?”

“top of the hill”

“I’ll be right there.”

A minute or so later, Than sat down beside him, offering Zagreus the case of Oreos, and they sat eating them side by side until the sun rose above the mountains.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :'( 
> 
> these bois
> 
> there is still much to come
> 
> next 2 chapters will be very yikes, followed by some fluff to make up for it


	6. Tornado Warning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> uh oh

As the first rays of sunlight peeked above the horizon, Zagreus’ phone rang. The ringtone was a tornado warning siren.

Zagreus and Thanatos said the same thing at the same time.

“Fuck.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> >:D


	7. Father

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ring ring the bastard is calling

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you know a chapter is gonna be sad when you have to update the tags from "implied/referenced child abuse" to just "child abuse." 
> 
> :(
> 
> there will be fluff soon i swear lots of it

“Zag. You don’t have to answer it.” The eerie scream of the siren spewed from the phone like the screams of the damned. It was the perfect choice of ringtone. A call from Father was a natural disaster, an apocalyptic event. When the siren sounded, people listened. When Hades called, Zagreus answered.

“I need to know what he has to say.”

“You don’t. It’s okay. You can hang up on him.” Thanatos put his hand on Zagreus’ shoulder, prompting him to flinch. 

“Sorry. It’s not you, it’s just-”

“I understand.”

“Just stay with me.”

“Of course.”

“Thank you, Than. Really.” Zagreus picked up the phone, marshalling his features into a rough approximation of a smile. “Hello? Father? It’s me. Zagreus? Your son? Finally remembered me?”

Hades’ voice boomed over the speaker, far too loud for the phone to properly convey. It came out with a deep, hissing static. “Insolent wretch. Return home at once. We shall discuss this foolishness properly when you return.” Zagreus could picture him brooding, bushy eyebrows meeting over flaming red eyes, his cell phone looking like a child’s toy in Hades’ colossal fist.

“You know what? I don’t think I will.”

“Would that I had Megaera as a child instead of you, boy. Her parents must have reason to be proud of her.” Hades’ voice dripped with contempt.

“Well you’re stuck with me and you can’t stop me.”

“Oh, please. Where would you be without me? I have never met someone with so little work ethic. You are a disappointment to me, boy.”

Zagreus tried his best to hide how much those words stung, but Than clearly noticed. “You chose to be disappointed in me. Just because I’m not everything you ever wanted.”

“Bah! I wanted nothing about you. You could never survive on your own.”

“I seem to be doing just fine so far, thank you very much.”

“You know better than to lie to your father. You can’t afford a hot meal without me, much less college, even with that ridiculous athletic scholarship. You will attend Erebus College of Business or you can forfeit your future.” Zagreus’ heart sank.

“We both know I have no future in business.” It was true. Zagreus had only barely passed math, and his decision-making skills could be described as “erratic at best.”

“Nor is there a future to be had in fencing.”

Thanatos, unable to sit silently any longer, butted in. “Hades, sir, with all due respect, have you ever actually _seen_ Zag fence? Because I have, and he’s better than Achilles was.”

Zagreus flushed. “Well, I wouldn’t go _that_ far.”

Hades scoffed. “Boy, I don’t care how talented of a fencer you are. It may have been a harmless entertainment in your youth, but it is time to grow up. From the moment you were born, you were fated to inherit my companies. It is up to you to earn that right.”

“Father, I don’t want to run your companies.”

“And I don’t want an idiot for a son. Sometimes we all must make do with our lot in life.”

“So what are my fucking choices? Come back and have to deal with you for the rest of my privileged, billionaire life, or actually make something of myself outside of your shadow? I’ll take the latter, thanks.”

“You’ll be back the second you get hungry, boy. And any damage you do to Charon I will inflict on you three times over, you reckless brat.”

“Relax, you egomaniacal sack of shit. Nothing’s going to happen to your precious car.”

“You would never dare talk to me this way were we face to face.”

“Perhaps not, but we aren’t, so what are you going to do about it, you pathetic excuse for a father?” Zagreus didn’t feel brave, but he could act like it.

“If you were wise, you would watch your tongue with me. I will excuse this language for now. You have 48 hours to turn tail and come home, and we may proceed as if this foolish business had never happened. Whatever happens if you return after that will be your own fault, boy.”

Thanatos reached over and hung up the phone.

In the newfound silence, Zagreus’ thin veneer of confidence shattered, and for the second time in as many days he was sobbing in his best friend’s arms.

Than quietly talked to him as they embraced. “Hey. Zagreus. It’s going to be okay. He can’t reach you out here. You’re safe. I’m here. Let’s go get breakfast somewhere. How does that sound?”

“Can… can we stay here for a bit?”

“Of course.” Time passed. It could have been a minute. It could have been an hour. Zagreus finally spoke.

“Did you mean that? About my fencing?”

“Yes. You’re quite something with that sword.”

Zagreus smiled, tears still brimming in his eyes. “I still haven’t used the sword you got me!”

“Do you want to go buy some watermelons to cut in half?”

“Yeah. Let’s do that.”


	8. Stygius

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Great Melon Massacre commences!
> 
> or, the boys use the sword and also hang out

According to Google Maps, the nearest grocery store was 45 minutes away. Than looked at Zagreus with concern in his eyes. “Do you want me to drive?”

“I’ll be fine. Plus, there’s some good news!”

“What?”

“Father hasn’t realized that his credit card is missing yet! Let’s go waste money until he does!”

Than chuckled. “Shall we buy a yacht?”

“I’m considering it, but there’s no water for miles around, mate. We’ll have to settle for destroying an unholy number of watermelons.”

Thanatos frowned. “Do… do you want to talk about him?”

“No. I’m good. I think I just need a distraction.” With his face framed by the rising sun, Than was plenty distracting on his own, but that was neither here nor there.

“Very well. Let’s go.”

Fast driving and deafeningly loud music seemed to be a passable cure for the chill that had crept into Zagreus during the phone call. Every second, Father fell further behind. Orpheus’ vocals could almost drown out Hades’ voice echoing in his ears.

Thanatos stretched. “We should find somewhere with actual beds to sleep in tonight. My neck is killing me.”

“I’m sure we can find a hotel or something somewhere. Maybe they’ll have a pool!”

“Zagreus, did you bring a swimsuit? Because I certainly didn’t.”

“No, but we have all this money and nothing better to do with it!” Did Zagreus want to see Than in a swimsuit? Perhaps. But regardless, going swimming would be fun.

“Do you plan on bankrupting your father before he cancels his card?”

“I wish. Unless someone lets me buy thousands of gallons of oil on credit, I don’t think we can pull it off.”

“What would you do with all of that oil?”

“Bathe in it? Set it on fire? Shoot it into space? It’s more about wasting Father’s money than using it.”

“In that case, just commission thousands of bad caricatures of him and have them sent to his doorstep.”

Zagreus laughed. “You know, mate? I just might.”

Than turned on a Eurydice album. He sang along, and Zagreus tried his best, but he was more of an Orpheus fan.

Rummaging around blindly in the back seat, Zagreus eventually pulled out a bag of chips and a six-pack of Coke. “Want some?”

“Sure.” Propping the chips up on the arm rest and opening a Coke for Than, Zagreus spoke.

“Than, I’ve been thinking.”

Than looked over at him. “That’s new.” He grinned.

“My sword needs a name.”   
“Okay...”

“I’m gonna go with Stygius.”

Thanatos raised a perfect eyebrow. “Stygius?”

“What? It sounds cool!”

Now Than was laughing. “What kind of nerd names their sword?”

Zagreus started laughing, too. “You’re calling me a nerd? What kind of nerd takes his friend to a museum for a da- for fun?” Zagreus blushed. Thankfully, the slip seemed to go unnoticed.

“Hey, I’m also taking my friend to a grocery store!”

Zagreus barely resisted the urge to joke about how romantic that would be.

One grocery shopping trip later, they had some pastries and all the watermelons in the store (much to the annoyance of the cashier), and both of them were itching to try out the sword.

“We should probably find a field to do this in. For some reason, I feel that the store would frown on us obliterating watermelons in their parking lot.” Zagreus agreed, though he had a suspicion that if Than hadn’t been there he probably  _ would’ve  _ done it in the parking lot.

After a few minutes of driving, they found a satisfactory field in which to begin their melon massacre. Zagreus placed a watermelon on the ground and raised Stygius above his head, bringing it down with a primal scream. The watermelon split cleanly in half, which was immensely satisfying. What was less satisfying was the blade burying itself a foot into the dirt. Zagreus gave it an experimental tug, swore, and then yanked it out, tumbling over backwards.

Thanatos chuckled. “Here, let me throw one to you.” He grabbed a melon and tossed it underhand to Zagreus, who sliced it out of the air.

“That was much easier.” Zagreus passed the sword to Than, and picked up another watermelon.

The distraction worked. After a few minutes of tossing melons back and forth and slicing them out of the air, Zagreus and Thanatos were too drenched in sweat and watermelon juice to worry about anything except for how they were going to clean themselves off.

Than reached out and picked a bit of watermelon out of Zagreus’ hair. Zagreus’ face went hot. “This was fun, but it was also a terrible idea. We need to find a hotel.”

“Seconded. Preferably one with a pool.”

Than grabbed his phone with the tips of his fingers, trying to get as little watermelon on it as possible. After a little searching, he looked up from the screen. “Thankfully, there’s a hotel that’s only ten minutes away.”

“I need to change out of these clothes. Don’t want to ruin the seats of the only car we have.” Zagreus walked to the other side of the car to change. He didn’t want to make things weird. Or at least, any weirder than they already were.

Tossing their old clothes in the back of the car, they drove off, leaving behind a two foot tall pile of watermelon carcasses.

The hotel wasn’t much. It certainly wasn’t fancy. It could arguably be described as dingy. It did, however, have a pool, and so Zagreus really couldn’t complain.

It was in the middle of a town that was nearly a city, but not quite. It had been a few days since they’d seen so many people. As Thanatos came to a stop in the hotel parking lot, he turned to Zagreus.

“Zag, I think it would be best if you waited in the car.”

“What? Why?”

“There’s that whole deal with the police, in case you’d forgotten. I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to stand around in the lobby waiting for someone to spot you while I get us a room. You don’t exactly blend in.” He was right. Zagreus was over 6 feet tall and had vibrant heterochromatic eyes.

“Alright. Fine.”

A few minutes later, Than came back out. They grabbed their bags, and hurried inside, trying to avoid being seen by the clerk at the desk.

“Fuck. I need a shower so bad.”

“Yes. You do.”

“Dibs on first shower!”

“Very well. I’ll see if we can get our clothes washed somewhere.”

Hurrying into the room, Zagreus dropped his bag on the ground, pulled off his clothes, and took a nice, warm shower. Under the water, he could feel all of his stress, his pent-up anger, and his anxiety melt away. It was all going to be fine.

Probably.

Hopefully.

Maybe.

Ugh. Why was life so complicated? Why couldn’t they just drive forever? It was easier when they were driving. There was less time to think. Less time to worry.

But those were problems for another day, another Zagreus. This one was taking a very relaxing shower. He was still in the shower when Than got back.

“Blood and darkness, Zag, you’re still in there?”

“Maybe!”

“Well it’s my turn now. Get out.”

After drying off and getting dressed, he ceded the bathroom to Than.

Yawning, he flopped down on the bed. It was then that he realized an important aspect of the hotel room that he had failed to notice in his haste to shower.

He’d lay down on the bed.

Not  _ his  _ bed.

_ The _ bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> very very sorry for the cliffhanger.
> 
> no wait.
> 
> im not.
> 
> sure would be a shame if the next chapter also had one huh


	9. Only One Bed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this is my fic and i can put in every trope i like
> 
> this is one of them
> 
> enjoy!

It wasn’t a bad bed, per se. It was massive, covered with a lightweight, fluffy blanket. In fact, it was incredibly comfortable. The pillows were immense and soft and felt like giant clouds. The mattress was just about perfect, not too firm or too soft. It faced a rather large TV. There was only one blatant, glaring issue with it: there was only one of them.

Than walked out of the bathroom, hair still damp.

“Uh, Than? There’s only one bed.”

“We can figure it out later. Our sleeping arrangements are a problem for future Than and Zag. Now get out of the middle of the bed so we can watch something.”

Zagreus rolled over to make room while Than grabbed the remote and a fresh case of Oreos.

Scrolling through the channels, they eventually decided on an action movie. Zagreus spent most of the runtime cheering and making explosion noises, mostly to annoy Than. In retaliation, Thanatos pointed out every plot hole and fallacy he noticed.

Once the movie and the Oreos were finished, they both felt vaguely sickened. Zagreus had eaten almost all of the Oreos by himself, and Than was disgusted with the abysmal writing of the movie, a sentiment Zagreus didn’t share. They argued at length about what did and didn’t constitute a cinematic masterpiece. Thanatos was of the opinion that nothing with a premise quite so stupid could possibly be worthy of recognition, while Zagreus’s argument hinged entirely on the cool special effects.

“Honestly, Zag, why do I put up with you?”

“My incredible sense of humor? My innate kindness? Perhaps my outstanding intellect??”

“Yes to the first two, the third one is a blatant lie.”

“Oh please, I’m smart!”

“You enjoyed the movie. Checkmate.”

“If it doesn’t win an Oscar I will cry.”

“It will not win an Oscar.”

“Did you see those explosions? That’s Oscar material right there.”

“No. Just no.”

“When it wins an Oscar do I have permission to mercilessly ridicule you?”

“If it wins an Oscar, you may do so. But it won’t.”

“We’ll see about that!” Zagreus winced. “Ow. Too many Oreos.”

Thanatos checked the Nutrition Facts on the packaging. “Zag, you ate 15 servings of Oreos. That’s 2,100 calories. In the kindest possible way, what the fuck?”

“I may not eat dinner.”

“How have you survived this long?”

“I don’t know,” Zagreus groaned. “I would have regrets if they weren’t so tasty.”

“While you’re complaining about your stomach ache, I’m going to order some actual food.”

While Than talked to room service, Zagreus stared once more at the singular bed. This was going to be awkward. It would’ve been fine a week ago. Things were moving too fast, and there was no turning back at this point.

It also felt like there was no going forward. As awkward as Zagreus felt, he would feel a thousand times worse if Than rejected him. Even if Than didn’t, was the chance at something better worth risking everything? No. Of course not.

Fuck fuck fuckity-fuck.

Than sat back down on the bed and blew a strand of white hair away from his eyes. Zagreus immediately lost his train of thought.

“What’d you order?”

“I ordered a grilled chicken sandwich for myself, and a salad for you. You need to eat  _ something  _ healthy.”

“Must I?”

“Yes.”

“Let me indulge in my debauchery in peace!” Zagreus grinned.

They were both laughing now. “Never!”

When they’d calmed down, Than rolled over to face Zagreus. “Zag, I just wanted to say… thank you. For being my friend. If it weren’t for you, I probably wouldn’t have had any.”

“The pleasure is all mine, Than.” Than smiled contentedly and Zagreus’ brain went numb. How did he ever manage to get a cohesive sentence out of his mouth when his best friend looked like  _ that _ ?

Taking a deep breath, Zagreus pulled his brain away from its fantasizing and back to the hotel room. Than was still smiling at him idly, propping his head up with one hand.

A knock came on the door. Than hopped up from the bed. “I guess that’s our food.” He came back with a tray, passing the salad to Zagreus.

“Thanks, mate.” The salad wasn’t terrible, all things considered. The fact that Than had thought to get it for him helped. He managed to finish it all.

They passed the rest of the afternoon watching TV and chatting about nothing in particular, avoiding the subject of the bed, until Thanatos yawned.

“Alright, we’re future Than and Zag now, and the bed is our problem.”

“I’m willing to sleep on the floor.” Zagreus really didn’t mind the prospect of sharing the bed, but Than’s comfort came first.

“Absolutely not. This is your vacation. You get the bed.”

“What kind of friend would I be if I let the guy who dropped everything to go on a road trip with me sleep on a hotel floor?”

“You’re not sleeping on the floor.”

“And you certainly aren’t. And you also aren’t sleeping in the chair over there.”

“Well... I suppose we could share it.”

“The chair?”

Than laughed. “I’m not going to dignify that with a response.”

“Sure, we can share the bed. That’s okay with you?”

“It works for me. I suppose we should get all these crumbs off the bed, though.”

After shaking off the blanket and turning the lights out, they lay on opposite sides of the bed, Zagreus carefully taking up as little room as possible. There he was, sharing a bed with his best friend. If he liked Than less or if Than liked him more, it would be perfectly fine. As it was, it was awkward.

He stared at the ceiling, thinking about all the things he could never have, until sleep claimed him.

He’d been asleep for a few minutes, or perhaps a few hours, when he awakened to hear a rustling noise. Suddenly there was a weight against his arm and chest. His tired brain dismissing it, Zagreus fell back asleep.

Sunlight streamed in through the window.

Zagreus woke up.

There was something soft against his face.

What was-

Oh.

Thanatos was pressed up against his side, fast asleep, one arm over Zagreus’ chest, his head on Zagreus’ shoulder. Holy fuck. He was adorable.

Blushing, Zagreus tried to sit upright, but Than sleepily pulled him back.

Alright. A few more minutes couldn’t hurt.

Judging by the clock on the far wall, a few more minutes had turned into thirty. Zagreus was staring at Thanatos’ sleeping face when Than’s golden eyes snapped open.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hehe cliffhanger time
> 
> I like to imagine that the movie is Mortal Engines
> 
> sure would be a shame if the next chapter was also a cliffhanger huh


	10. Bone Hydra

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chekhov's Sword (if there is a sword in chapter 3 it will be used in chapter 10)
> 
> or
> 
> Zagreus beats up some highwaymen

Than’s face flushed and he swiftly withdrew his arm from around Zagreus. “I’m sorry... I must have gotten cold last night. I didn’t mean to… make you uncomfortable.”

“Than, mate, it’s fine.”

“I’m really sorry.”

Zagreus reached out and gave Thanatos a hug. “Than. Really. It’s fine.”

Than was  _ really  _ blushing now. Fuck. He clearly didn’t feel the same way about Zagreus, and was obviously trying not to send mixed messages. It was the only possibility that made sense.

Ugh.

How could Zagreus ever be worthy of someone like Thanatos? Thanatos was so handsome and smart and kind, and Zagreus was just some dumb jock from a fucked-up family.

If his own father didn’t want him, why would Than?

As they parted from the hug, Zagreus’ eyes snagged on Than’s lips. It would be so easy to lean back in and kiss him. It would be so easy to throw caution to the wind and ruin a perfectly good friendship.

He  _ really _ needed to stop thinking like this. Than made it so difficult, though. Every time Zagreus managed to think about something else, there he was, knowing exactly the right thing to say or do to make Zagreus happy. Why did he have to… get a crush on? No. Fall in love with. Why did he have to fall in love with someone so perfect?

Shit.

He really had fallen in love with Thanatos.

He hadn’t even been able to admit to himself that he’d had a crush.

But there was no denying it now.

There was no other word for it.

He was well and truly in love, and well and truly fucked.

“Hello? Earth to Zag?” Thanatos snapped his fingers in front of Zagreus’ face.

“Oh! Sorry, I was totally zoned out.”

“What were you thinking about?”

“Literally nothing. No thoughts, head empty.” A lie if he’d ever told one.

“Well I was thinking that this hotel serves breakfast, and although it’s almost certainly terrible, hotel food has a special artificially-flavored charm that nothing else quite replicates.”

“So you’re saying we should go load up on styrofoam waffles and corn syrup? I’m down.”

“And when we’re done, we can go into town and find some swimsuits.”

“Fuck yeah!”

Thanatos was right about the hotel food. It didn’t quite taste like food, but there was some nostalgia tied to it nonetheless. His family had used to go on vacations, back when they were happy. They’d stayed at nicer hotels than this, but the food was always the same. Following some experimentation, Zagreus learned that he could pile approximately a foot of whipped cream on his waffles before someone came over and asked him to leave some for the other guests.

Finding the food under all of the whipped cream was difficult, but Zagreus was starving. While he had eaten a lot of Oreos yesterday, he hadn’t eaten much besides the Oreos.

Once Than had finished his cereal and coffee, they left to find some swimsuits. Luckily, there was a clothing store a few blocks down the street. After a few minutes of browsing, Thanatos had found a pair of perfectly black swim trunks. Zagreus had found the most obnoxious pair in the store. They were neon pink and yellow Hawaiian print and they were glorious.

“You can’t seriously be thinking of buying those.”

“I am seriously thinking of buying these.”

“Zag, they’re an eyesore.”

“Than, they’re an eyesore!”

“I’m becoming increasingly concerned for your lack of taste.”

Despite Thanatos’ protests, Zagreus bought them.

Despite the lifeguard’s protests, Zagreus ran in the pool area.

Despite the people beside the pool’s protests, Zagreus performed a colossal cannonball.

Despite Zagreus’ protests, he was kicked out of the pool.

On the bright side, between the angry guests and his attempts to apologize for his pool crimes, Zagreus had almost been able to distract himself from the fact that Than wasn’t wearing a shirt. Almost.

Thanatos left the pool alongside Zagreus, laughing the whole time. “What percentage of your impulse control am I?”

“100 percent, mate!”

“We should probably check out before they look at the news and see your handsome face on the headlines.”

“Probably a good idea.” Wait, had Than just called him handsome? He’d probably misheard him. It definitely wouldn’t be smart to ask.

Within 30 minutes they’d dried off, checked out, and they were back on the highway.

Thanatos checked his phone. “We’re about halfway to California.”

“Awesome! I still have no clue where Mother lives, though.”

“Does anyone know?”

“I think Father might, but…”

“Yeah.”

“Well, I’m sure we’ll find her! How big could California be, anyway?”

“If I remember my 4th grade geography project correctly,  a little under 165,000 square miles.”

“I don’t even remember 4th grade.”

“It  _ was _ almost a decade ago.”

“Shit now I feel old.”

“Don’t worry, you still act the same!”

“I do not! I used to be too small to properly cause mischief. Now I’m big enough to do crimes properly!”

“I haven’t changed much, either. Still the smart, quiet kid with one friend.”

Maybe they hadn’t changed, but everything was still different now.

Zagreus suddenly became aware of a sound in the distance, growing closer; the growl of multiple powerful engines. Checking the mirror, he saw a group of motorcycles behind them on the road. There looked to be four of them, and they were gaining on Charon.

Zagreus sped up. The motorcyclists sped up.

“Zag, what are you doing?”

“I feel like we’re being chased.”

“Odds are, they’re fine people.”

Than was right. Why was he filled with such unease?

Within a minute the motorcyclists had caught up with them. There were no other vehicles in sight.

The motorcyclists sped past. The backs of their jackets were emblazoned with snake skulls wreathed in flame.

Zagreus let out a breath he didn’t know he’d been holding.

They were falling further behind the motorcycles. That was fine. Normally, Zagreus might have tried to keep up with them. Charon was probably capable of it. Today, though, he was fine to let the motorcycles speed off over the horizon.

They didn’t.

A good distance down the highway, the motorcyclists stopped, turning their bikes so that they blocked the road. One of them held up a handheld stop sign. The one in the middle raised his hand. He was holding something.

“Than, is that a fucking gun?”   
“Presumably.”

Zagreus’ eyes shone. “I’m going to fight them.”

“Absolutely not.”

“I’ve got this.”

“What? No! He has a fucking gun, Zagreus!”

“I have a sword!”

“This is a terrible-”

“I’m going to stop the car as close to them as possible and get out to talk to them. While they’re looking at me, you hold Stygius out the window. I grab it, beat the shit out of them, and we get going. I’m not giving them our stuff. They might shoot us once they have it, who knows?”

“Please-”

“Only one of them is aiming a gun at us. If the others have guns, I can take them out before they can fire. Trust me, Than. Better than Achilles, remember?”

Than sighed. “Fine. Better than Achilles. Please Zag. Don’t die. I-”

“Looks like we’re here!”

They pulled to a stop within 5 feet of the motorcycle blockade. Thanatos rolled down the window. Zagreus got out of the car, positioning himself next to the window with his hands open in front of him.

“Hello! I’m Zagreus! What’s your name? And how may I assist you fine gentlemen today?”

The guy with the gun spoke. “You can call me Lernie. We’re the Bone Hydras, and we’ll be taking everything you have.”

“We really don’t have much.”

“Your custom-made sports car says otherwise.”

“As per the 5th Amendment, our  _ stolen _ custom-made sports car has the right to remain silent and isn’t saying jack shit.” Out of the corner of his eye, Zagreus saw the handle of Stygius poking out the window.

“I’ll be the judge of that, and don’t get funny with me, boy.” Lernie and his goons walked closer. Lernie had lowered his gun, seemingly unthreatened by the high school graduate in front of him. One of his buddies had a length of chain, the biggest one had a rusted pipe, and the last highwayman had a knife.

Lernie walked within lunging distance.

Zagreus took a deep breath.

Everything fell away but him and the Bone Hydras.

This was why he loved fencing. When he was fighting, everything else vanished. Hades’ opinion of him didn’t matter. Even the question of whether Thanatos loved him back was relegated to a second-class problem. The only thing that mattered now was him, Stygius, a gun, and four thugs.

Faster than thought, he reached across his body and grabbed the handle of Stygius.

Dragging the sword out of its scabbard, he launched himself towards Lernie, driving his shoulder into the man’s solar plexus.

Lernie went down hard, striking the back of his head on the pavement, and the gun clattered to the ground. Pausing only long enough to kick the gun under the car, Zagreus charged the other Hydras.

Chain.

Zagreus ducked, his hair gently grazed by the swinging metal.

Pipe.

Zagreus parried the blow, Stygius flexing with the force of it.

Disarm.

Locking Stygius with the pipe, he twisted, sending the pipe flying.

Chain again.

Zagreus blocked it, but it wrapped around Stygius. Tearing the blade free with a shriek of metal, he advanced.

Lunge.

Zagreus closed the gap between himself and the chain Hydra. At this distance, the chain was useless.

Pommel.

Zagreus struck the biker in the skull with the hilt of Stygius, knocking him out.

Pipe.

He’d apparently picked his pipe back up. Zagreus blocked it, though only barely.

Knife?

Where was the biker with the knife?

Strike.

Zagreus swung out with the flat of his blade, landing a hit on the pipe wielder’s temple. Two down, one to go.

Footstep.

Someone was behind him.

Turn.

The knife Hydra stabbed at him.

Thrust.

Stygius had longer reach. He skewered the highwayman through the stomach. Probably not a life-threatening wound, though the man would certainly need to get it checked out.

And just like that, it was over. The Bone Hydra’s ambush had been reduced to three unconscious men and one man doubled over, bleeding. Zagreus had barely broken a sweat.

He turned to Than, putting his foot on Lernie’s unconscious chest, and struck a heroic pose, his hands on his hips.

“Pretty good, eh?”

“Zag.” Than sounded worried.

“Yeah?”   
“Your side.”

Zagreus looked down. His left hand was stained with blood. He had been stabbed in the side. With his system surging with adrenaline, he hadn’t felt it. That was a  _ lot _ of blood.

“Oh.” What more was there to say?

Thanatos opened the car door and ran to Zagreus just in time to catch him as he fell.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> idk if a gang of biker highwaymen is a thing that has ever existed in our reality 
> 
> BUT 
> 
> the presence of the Olympic Games in this AU means that ancient Greece did exist and thus a lot of these names should be really weird for the normal inhabitants of this AU and y'all were able to suspend your disbelief on that one 
> 
> so I don't want to hear any complaints about biker highwaymen


	11. Through the Looking Glass

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Than is driving, Zagreus is casually bleeding into his bandages in the back seat, the only way they can see each others' faces is in the rearview mirror
> 
> Zag does the sadness/trauma thing some more
> 
> Mort Mort Mort Mort Mort Mort Mort Mort Mort Mort Mort Mort Mort Mort Mort Mort Mort Mort Mort Mort Mort Mort Mort Mort Mort Mort Mort Mort Mort Mort Mort Mort Mort Mort Mort Mort Mort Mort Mort Mort Mort Mort Mort Mort Mort Mort Mort Mort Mort Mort Mort Mort Mort Mort Mort Mort Mort Mort Mort Mort Mort Mort Mort Mort Mort Mort Mort Mort Mort Mort Mort Mort Mort Mort Mort Mort Mort Mort Mort Mort Mort Mort Mort Mort Mort Mort Mort Mort Mort Mort Mor-

When Zagreus opened his eyes, he was lying in the back seat of Charon, with Than looking down at him, concern painted across his beautiful face.

“How long was I out?”   
“A few hours. You bled all over the car seat. Luckily for you, I had the sense to bring a first aid kit.”

Zagreus looked down at himself. He was shirtless. His side was expertly wrapped in bandages (because of course Than knew first aid), and the black velvet car seat was caked with blood. Father wasn’t going to be happy about that. He tried to sit up, but winced. Than pushed him back down into a lying position.

“I stitched you up.” Of course Than had. “It wasn’t super deep. You’re going to be fine, but you’re not getting up for at least a day and you’re not exerting yourself for a few weeks. If we get held up at gunpoint again we’re going to give up our stuff this time.”

“Okay, but can we talk about me beating them all up? That was so cool!”

Than laughed. “That it was. But please, never do something like that again. I was so scared. I don’t want to lose you.”   
“I’ll be fine! Future Olympic gold medalist, remember?”

“You are not, under any circumstances, to attempt to sword fight someone who has a gun in the future.”

“Come on! Not even a little bit?”

“Not even a little bit. Zagreus. You could have been killed.”

“But I wasn’t!” Zagreus singsonged.

“Zagreus.” Than’s tone was serious.

“Fine…”

“Thank you. Now I’m going to get us moving again, because the further we are from the Bone Hydras the less likely they are to challenge you to a rematch. Let me know if your side starts hurting, will you?”

“Sure thing.” Zagreus lay in the back of the car staring at the back of Than’s head for half an hour until he drifted off to sleep.

When he opened his eyes, the sky was black. He absently patted his side, grimacing as waves of pain cascaded through him. Thanatos looked back at him through the rearview mirror, eyes flashing in the dark like coins in a fountain.

“Are you feeling alright?”

Zagreus groaned. “Yeah. Mostly.”

“We can stop.”

“No, it’s fine.”

“I don’t think I properly thanked you for saving our ass back there. Good job, Zag.”

“I’ll save your cute ass any day.” What the fuck had he just said? He must have been delirious. Fuck. He had just ruined everything, hadn’t he?

But Than just laughed. Phew. He thought it was a joke, or maybe just casual friendly flirting.

“Hey, could you pass me my phone?”

Thanatos grabbed Zagreus’ phone and passed it backwards. “What do you need it for?”

“Gonna post a sexy after-stabbing selfie!”

“What about getting stabbed is sexy?”

“Extra hole.” Laughing hurt, but Zagreus did it anyway.

“I hate you so much.”

Between the occasional spasm of pain and the bumpy road, Zagreus had to retake the selfie a few times to get it right. Damn, that was a lot of blood on the bandages. He captioned it with “JUST GOT STABBED!!! <3”

He passed the phone to Thanatos. “What do you think?”

“I think that if this gets popular you’re going to go out of your way to get stabbed again for internet points.”

“I would never!”

Than raised an eyebrow in the mirror.

“Okay, maybe. But it’s too funny not to post!”

“Fine.” Thanatos passed the phone back.

“And… posted!”

Zagreus let his arms flop to the seat, which reminded him of the copious amounts of blood that it was encrusted with.

“Hades is going to be so mad. Shit. Fuck!”

“It’s going to be okay, Zag.”

“He’s going to run me over in Charon.”

“Zagreus. You never have to see him again. You’re a thousand miles away from him right now.”

“There’s no escaping him that easily. He gave me 48 hours to come home, right? That time’s almost up. He’s going to call any second now. I don’t want to talk to him. I don’t want to tell him that I ruined his car. I don’t want to hear his voice. I don’t want to hear him yell at me. Than, I’m so scared. Fuck. I’m so fucking scared.” Zagreus was hyperventilating now.

Something gently smacked against his head, landing on his chest. It was Mort. “We’re in traffic now, so I can’t stop the car to hug you. So hug Mort, I guess.”

“Than, I’m covered in blood.”

“It’s mostly dry. Besides, you come first, Zag.”

Zagreus clutched Mort to his chest, tears pouring from his eyes. His breath rattled in his chest. With every inhale his side ached. With every exhale he heard Hades yelling. But in between breaths, he felt soft fabric on his chest and saw Thanatos’ caring expression in the mirror.

He cried until his tears ran out. Once he’d calmed down, he held Mort up to check for bloodstains.

“Sorry, Than. I may have bled a bit on Mort.”

“Really, Zagreus, it’s fine.” Thanatos glanced at Zagreus through the mirror. “Did he help?”

Zagreus smiled weakly, cheeks stained with salt. “Lots.”

“Then it was worth it. It should wash out someday. Tomorrow we’ll see if you’re ready to sit up straight.”

“All I can do is sit up bisexual, sorry.”

Than chuckled. “That works too. I’m going to find us somewhere to stop. I need some sleep.”

Thanatos eventually found a well-lit parking lot outside of a building whose sign read Ambrosia and Nectar Liquor Store. It was 1 in the morning.

Five minutes after they’d parked, a handsome man opened the door of the store and walked up to the car. Than rolled down the window.

“Hey, man. How’s it hangin’? I assume you’re sleeping the night outside my store?”

Thanatos answered. “Hello, we are indeed planning on sleeping in your parking lot. Will that be a problem?”

“Hell no, as long as you buy some drinks! The name’s Dionysus.”

“Sorry to disappoint you, but we’re under 21.”

“There’s another liquor store about 30 miles that way.”

“Are you kicking us out?”

“Naw, just sayin’ that if you’re gonna get drunk I’d appreciate it if you did it closer to them than me. Gettin’ my competition closed down is good for the business, ya know? Now come on in and pick out some drinks!”

Thanatos pointed to the security camera. “What about that? I wouldn’t want to lose you your liquor license.”

“Ya really think I don’t know how to tamper with my own security system? Chill out, bro, I’ll be fine.”

Thanatos looked to Zagreus in the back, mouthed “This guy is crazy,” and went into the store.

Ten minutes later he’d placed a couple bottles of wine in the back seat and fifteen minutes after that Thanatos was asleep.

It took Zagreus a little longer to succumb to sleep, but he too eventually closed his eyes, Mort in his arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Honestly who gave Dionysus a liquor license? terrible idea 0/10


	12. Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, Second Movement

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zagreus talks to Megaera again
> 
> that's it that's the chapter
> 
> oh and Than waterboards Zagreus

When Zagreus woke up, it was nearly noon and they were driving.

“Hades called this morning. I wasn’t about to wake you up and force you to take that call, so I just waited it out. You can say you weren’t near your phone if you need an excuse.”

“Thanks, Than.”

“How’s your side?”

Zagreus poked it. “Still not up for another sword fight, but I might be able to sit up.” He pushed himself up experimentally. Not bad.

“You doing alright?”

“Yeah. It feels sorta closed already. I’m going to have a really badass scar!”

“Take it easy, Zag. You don’t want to reopen it.” Thanatos passed him a bottle of water. “You lost a lot of blood, let’s try to get some more fluids into you.”

“Can’t I have a soda?”

“Nope! You can’t fight off a healthy lifestyle with that hole in your side!”

“Watch me!”

“I  _ have  _ been watching you. You’ve mostly been bleeding. Have you had any water yet?”

“Nope!”

“Drink some water or I’ll stop the car and make you drink it.”

“Fuckin’ bet.”

Thanatos pulled over and opened the door to the back, laughing. “Open your mouth.” Zagreus obliged. Than took the water bottle and started pouring it into Zagreus’ mouth.

Zagreus sputtered, spraying water everywhere. Drinking while lying down turned out to be difficult. In between gasps and laughter, he somehow managed to speak. “Ack! You’re waterboarding me!”

Than was grinning a very handsome grin, if Zagreus did say so himself. “So would you prefer to drink it yourself?”

“Fine!” Zagreus pouted for dramatic effect.

“And eat an apple while you’re at it!”

“Do I have to?”

“I will get that apple into your stomach through one orifice or the other. Take your pick, Zag.”

“I guess I’m eating an apple.”

“That wasn’t so hard, was it?”

“If we ignore the waterboarding and the ass-related threats, it was actually pretty easy!”

Though he’d never admit it to Than, Zagreus did feel a bit better after finishing off the water and the apple.

Than got out his laptop. “While we’re stopped I’m going to get some work done.”

Zagreus grabbed his phone. “I’m going to see how I feel walking a bit.”

“Okay. Take it easy, and if it starts to hurt, call me and I can help you back.”

“I will!”

Walking wasn’t too bad. Zagreus had always been a fast healer, and Than was apparently a decent medic. Zagreus wondered what Thanatos had been like while he’d been unconscious. Had he panicked? He’d said he’d been scared. How much did he care?

What would Father have done in that same situation, with Zagreus bleeding in his arms? Would he have cried? Probably not. He would have grumbled about Zagreus being an inconvenience, called an ambulance, and then left Zagreus to heal on his own.

To be fair, Zagreus was an inconvenience. Hades had a lot of work to do, and taking care of Zagreus could cost him millions of dollars in lost profits. And for what? An idiot son who couldn’t do anything his father asked of him? It made sense that Hades had no time for him.

But what about Than? Why would he waste his time on Zagreus? Thanatos was going to be famous for curing cancer or some shit someday, and all Zagreus was doing was distracting him. Someday Than was going to help the whole human race and all Zagreus could do well was wave a shiny stick around.

No one needed him.

Zagreus, son of a billionaire, friend of a genius, professional nobody.

Everything in the world handed to him on a silver platter and he didn’t deserve any of it.

Four deep notes rang out through the air. Megaera. Zagreus fumbled for his phone.

“Hi, Meg.”

“Zagreus.”

“What is this about?”

“Did you really get yourself stabbed?”

“Of course! I had a little tussle with some highwaymen.”

“And one of them hit you?”

“There were four of them! And one of them had a gun! Does it feel good knowing that  _ someone  _ can land a hit on me?” That was mean. But Zagreus wasn’t feeling particularly nice at the moment.

“What?”

“You were all mad at me for beating you! That’s why you broke up with me, right?”

“What?”

“That tournament? At the beginning of high school?”

“Wait, you thought that’s why we broke up?”

Now it was Zagreus’ turn to say “what?”

“My grades were slipping. I was getting a B in my science class! I actually failed a math test!”

“What?”

“I was fine with losing to you! It was nice to have a challenge for once! But my parents, they put my grades above everything else. Once I started failing, they made me quit fencing, they made me stop talking to you! Everything became about work!” Meg was audibly crying over the phone.

Zagreus didn’t get it. A child like Megaera was everything his father ever wanted. Who could consider her a failure?

“Fuck. I’ve really been thinking the worst of you for years. I totally forgot that your family is just as fucked as mine.”

“Well, we’re out of school now, I’m out of the house, and I was wondering… could we give it another chance?”

“Sorry Meg, I’m kinda… ugh, how do I put this? I suppose the term would be ‘in love with someone else?’”

“Let me guess, Thanatos?”

Zagreus blushed. “How did you-”

“It’s honestly pretty obvious.”

“It is?”

“I’ve thought you had a crush on him since I met you.”

“Am I that obvious?”

“You don’t have a subtle bone in your body, Zag. Best of luck with Than!”

“Do you think he feels the same way?”

“Unlike you, he has 206 subtle bones in his body. I barely know him, and I have no idea.”

“What do you think?”

“You’re nice, you’re attractive, you’re funny. I’d say your odds are pretty good.”

“Thanks! So are we… friends?”

Was it possible to hear a smile? Zagreus was pretty sure he heard Meg smiling. “Yeah… friends.”

Megaera hung up, and Zagreus started walking back to the car, feeling quite a bit better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hopefully I didn't do your girl dirty Prplzorua
> 
> the writing schedule has slowed a bit but we're gradually drawing towards the end
> 
> next chapter is going to be an evil one


	13. Wine and Thanzag and Wonderful Vices

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> title is a Cult of Dionysus reference yes
> 
> the boys get drunk on that wine they bought a while ago
> 
> don't drink, kids
> 
> zagreus makes a big oopsie
> 
> it's been a while, hasn't it friends? sorry about the long delay. i dont have the next chapter written (as I prefer to) but i didn't want to keep yall waiting

“Meg called. Turns out she’s not an asshole, after all.”

“Remember all those times that I told you that things were more complicated than you thought? And you insisted that you knew her better?”

“Yes.”

“I think that brings the results of our arguments to Thanatos one hundred, Zagreus zero.”

“Well that movie’s gonna win an Oscar and I’m going to have the momentum!”

“That movie is never going to win an Oscar.”

“We’ll see about that!”

Thanatos harrumphed and got back to work.

Than worked for the rest of the day. Zagreus played video games, scrolled through several social media sites, and ate junk food. His side was starting to feel a bit better. It seemed like the wound was fairly minor, though it had bled a lot.

As the moon crept up from the horizon, Than spoke. “How are you feeling?”

“A lot better!”

“Do you want to do something stupid and illegal?”

“I thought you’d never ask! Like, really. I never thought I’d hear those words come out of your mouth. The answer is obviously yes.”

“Well, we have all this wine and nothing better to do than drink it.”

“Two underaged dudes in a car, getting drunk? Sounds like a terrible idea and a great time.”

“Come on, let’s go sit in the trunk.”

Sitting side by side in the back of the car, legs dangling above the pavement, they passed the hours in near silence, every so often passing a bottle of wine back and forth, trading swigs until it was empty. Zagreus’ inner third grader insisted that this was basically kissing.

Zagreus had never drank before. Father had never offered him a drink, Ms. Dusa kept the alcohol locked up at Hades’ orders, his purchases were always scrutinized, and his friends were all nerds who didn’t want to damage their developing brains. His eyesight was already getting a little fuzzy, and there was still a bottle to go. If things kept moving at the same pace and movies and TV were anything to go by, he would be entirely nonfunctional tomorrow.

“Zag, I feel like this was a bad idea.”

“Oh definitely, mate.”

“Grab the other bottle.”

Fuck it. Hades wouldn’t be happy, and that was as good a reason as any to do it.

He reached for the bottle and missed it. Oh. Reaching again, he grabbed it. “Got it.”

Thanatos opened the bottle (much to Zagreus’ relief, as he wasn’t certain he had the fine motor skills for that), and gulped some down. He seemed to have a better tolerance for alcohol than Zagreus. He was also very handsome. And he had a very cute haircut. And he was the kindest person Zagreus knew. His brain wasn’t functioning well enough to turn away from this potentially dangerous line of thinking.

Gold eyes.

Another gulp of wine.

White hair.

Accept the proffered bottle.

Pale skin.

Take a swig.

An infectious smile.

Pass it back.

A musical laugh.

Try to drink, to find that it’s empty.

Wait.

Was Zagreus’ mouth opening?

What exactly was he planning to say?

Who knew? Not him, that was for sure.

Did it matter?

Not really.

Fuck it. He was going to find out what he planned to say.

“Than.”

“Yeah?”

“I… um… look, mate. I… think I… ugh. I don’t know.” Well that certainly was underwhelming.

“Mood.” They were laughing, though it was the sort of tired laughter that only showed itself after midnight. A mix between exhaling out of the nose and a weak chuckle. The alcohol in their veins certainly wasn’t making them any more lively.

“Let me try that again. I…” He trailed off.

“Come on Zag, out with it.”

“I…”

“You got this.” Thanatos’ speech was slurring a bit. Or was that Zagreus’ ears?

“Ugh. Fuck it.”

Zagreus leaned over and kissed Thanatos.

It was dark and he was drunk, and Zagreus misjudged the distance, slamming his face into Than’s. Teeth struck his lip, and Zagreus saw Thanatos redden in the dull light. Was this even happening? Zagreus wasn’t thinking straight, in more ways than one.

Their lips met properly and Zagreus’ brain short-circuited.

Thanatos leaned back into the trunk, before reaching up to pull Zagreus closer. Their bodies pressed together in the back of the car, and Zagreus stopped thinking for a while, lost in Than’s eyes and lips and, well, everything. The alcohol also certainly didn’t help.

… 

Eventually they separated. How much time had passed? How far had the moon moved? Zagreus wasn’t sure.

Zagreus yawned. Fuck was he tired.

Curling up next to Than in the open trunk of the car, he fell asleep.

… 

Zagreus came to, wincing as the midday sun stabbed at his eyes. His head hurt. Everything hurt. What had happened last night? Try as he might, he couldn’t recall. They’d gotten drunk and then… nothing. He’d had some wild dreams, and he wasn’t sure where the real world ended and the tap dancing whales began.

He’d managed to forget several hours of last night. What the fuck had happened in that time?

Thanatos was asleep next to him. Had they fallen asleep in Charon’s open trunk? He vaguely wondered whether or not they’d been robbed while they slept. Hopefully not.

Ow. Brain. No work good.

Ugh.

He felt sick.

He managed to get his head out of the trunk of the car before he threw up. Fuck. That definitely wasn’t worth it. No matter what had transpired last night, it couldn’t have been worth this headache.

Than stirred awake. He saw Zagreus and smiled.

“Than, do you have any clue what happened last night? I was super duper drunk and I have no idea what I did.” The smile died on Thanatos’ face. Had he said something wrong? Ugh. He couldn’t think right now.

Had something important happened last night?

His head was burning.

Maybe he’d done something really stupid. Thanatos had frowned when Zagreus brought up how he hadn’t known what he was doing. Just because he couldn’t remember what he’d done didn’t mean he couldn’t try to make things right.

“Than, about what I did last night? I’m sorry. It won’t happen again, don’t worry.”

Than was quiet. “Okay.” It didn’t seem like that had helped. Fuck.

Just what had he done?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> zag you himbo
> 
> little update about myself: I have been struggling with motivation (as y'all have probably noticed by the abject lack of new chapters recently, sorry about that) so if you like this PLEASE leave a comment.
> 
> nothing (and I mean nothing) gives my brain happy chemicals and a desire to write like ao3 comments


	14. In Which Zagreus Says the Fuck Word a Lot (and Hermes is Working a Minimum Wage Job)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To atone for his foolish ways, Zagreus takes Thanatos out for a romantic 2 AM dinner at McDonald's
> 
> Hermes needs a good night's sleep
> 
> Zeus doesn't show up here but he's mentioned and he's a fuckboy war criminal as you'd expect

Zagreus wouldn’t trust himself to drive for a few more hours. He sat in the drivers’ seat, staring out the window. Than was next to him, looking away from him. Apparently, neither of them had anything to say.

It was just typical. The moment he wanted to be more than friends, he had to go and make an ass of himself. He didn’t even know what he’d done, but he’d hurt Thanatos somehow.

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckity fuck.

Zagreus sighed. Thanatos briefly glanced at him, but the sigh had nothing to do with preparing to talk about an awkward subject and everything to do with miserably staying quiet.

The silence was intolerable, eternal, and infinitely better than talking. Talking would just be uncomfortable. Zagreus was embarrassed to not know what he’d done, and it was clearly awful if Than was so unhappy.

The hangover wasn’t fun, either. Zagreus had a splitting headache, two solid hours of sleep, and a lifetime of bullshit that kept creeping to the forefront of his brain. He could practically hear Hades’ disappointment.

“Drunk, are you, boy?”

“No son of mine would make such poor decisions.”

“Insolent wretch! You go behind my back and drink yourself half to death?”

Hades was hundreds of miles away and almost certainly quietly asleep, but his voice was so fucking loud sometimes. 

The sun was also rudely loud. No, bright. Bright was the word. Bright was for eyes. Loud was an ears thing. It was shining in Zagreus’ face and it was making his headache worse. Fuck that. 

Zagreus blurrily observed that a greater and greater percentage of his vocabulary was transmuting exclusively into fuck.

Fuck Hades, fuck the sun, fuck the wine, hopefully fuck Thanatos.

Fuck.

Mostly just fuck.

Fuck, with a pinch of ow to taste.

Thanatos was still pointedly not looking at him. Ugh. (And also fuck).

Zagreus racked his brain for some way to make things right, but it felt like his brain was being beaten with a pipe. Maybe he could figure something out later, when he wasn’t so fucked up and could properly think in complete sentences.

Zagreus sighed again, painfully reached up to pull down the visor, and settled into his chair to sleep.

…

When he woke up, Thanatos was asleep in the seat next to him. Zagreus carefully reached over to fasten Than’s seatbelt.

Where was he going? Zagreus didn’t really know. Ideally, a romantic 5-star restaurant, but he doubted that there were any close to the highway, and they probably wouldn’t be open at one in the morning. McDonald’s would have to do.

The McDonald’s was empty, other than the cashier. McDonald’s weren’t meant to be empty. It was a little creepy, all things considered. Where were the screaming children? The screaming parents? Why was Zagreus feeling nostalgic for the fast-food equivalent of Tartarus?

The guy at the counter seemed to be about Zagreus’ age, perhaps a bit younger. His nametag said “Hermes,” and his eyes said “kill me now I’m so fucking tired and the only thing keeping my alive at this point is Red Bull and spite.” Zagreus, having until recently been a high schooler, could relate.

“Hi, welcome to McDonalds, how can I help you? I’m the only employee in the store so I can tell you that, well, I’m really fucking tired and you could probably rob us right now if that’s what you’re here for. I wouldn’t stop you. I’m not getting paid enough for this shit. Just knock me out while you’re at it.”

“I’m not here to rob you, I’m here because I fucked up.”

“Ah, so you’re here for the only other reason people come to McDonalds at one in the morning, to drown your sorrows in Chicken McNuggets.”

“Actually I hurt my friend’s feelings and this was the closest thing I could get to taking him out to dinner. He’s asleep in the car.” Zagreus gestured at Charon over his shoulder.

“That’s your car? He’s beautiful. I think I’m in love.”

“Well I think I’m in love with my friend so do you think you could help me put together a nice romantic atmosphere in here?” Shit, had he really said that out loud?

“I don’t have any candles but I can put the lights down low and change the music to something a little more appropriate.”

“That’ll work nicely. Thanks, mate.”

“No problem. What do you want for food?”

“I guess I’ll take 20 Chicken McNuggets.”

“A good choice, coming right up!”

Zagreus walked out to the car and opened the door. Than was still asleep, so he quickly typed out a note on his phone and left it propped up against the windshield. Then he returned to the McDonald’s to wait. Thanatos would probably wake up soon.

Zagreus and Hermes talked about Charon for a while, and then the topic turned to their parents. Hermes’ dad was apparently notorious in his town for sleeping around, and he’d done some fucked-up shit in a war a few decades ago, but he wasn’t as cold or controlling as Hades. They declared the title of Worst Dad to be a tie.

Hermes was regaling Zagreus with tales of terrible customers when the door swung open and Thanatos walked in, rubbing his eyes. He handed Zagreus’ phone back. “What’s this about dinner at McDonald’s? It’s 2 in the morning.”

“Hermes, hit it.”

Hermes turned down the lights and started the music. He hadn’t told Zagreus what he was going to be playing, just that it would be “romantic” and “fun.” Upon further consideration, he certainly should have asked what the song was.

_We’re no strangers to love…_

_You know the rules and so do I…_

Than started laughing. Zagreus pulled out Thanatos’ chair and gestured for him to sit down.

_A full commitment's what I'm thinking of..._

_You wouldn't get this from any other guy..._

Taking a seat and a McNugget, Zagreus met Thanatos’ eyes. He was still smiling.

“Than, I’m gonna be straight with you. Well, no, that’s not quite true. I’m gonna be honest with you. I’m never straight. The truth is, I have no fucking clue what happened last night. I totally forgot. I don’t know what I did to hurt you, but I was very drunk and last night is just entirely blank in my mind.”

_I just wanna tell you how I'm feeling..._

_Wanna make you understand..._

“Zagreus.” Thanatos was blushing. Why was he blushing? Zagreus didn’t think his apology was quite that intense.

“Yeah?”

_Never gonna give you up!_

_Never gonna let you down!_

“You kissed me.”

“I- what.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> haha cliffhanger go brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
> 
> sorry this chapter took a while I'd almost recovered from my League of Legends addiction when I picked up Hades a few months ago but recently I relapsed and I've been spending my writing time playing that toxic piss-pit of a game and having a great time all things considered
> 
> when will the next installment be? who knows? certainly not me
> 
> yes this was a reference to the Hermes/Charon ship
> 
> deleted scene:  
> Hermes gazed longingly out the window at Charon. "If that car was a skeleton, I'd fuck him."


	15. Death Approaches

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the cards (and the McNuggets) are all on the table

Time slowed to a crawl. The puzzle of last night that Zagreus had drunkenly been assembling in his head had been missing quite a few pieces, and Thanatos had just handed them over.

Things were making a little more sense now. Was Thanatos mad because Zagreus had kissed him? Something about that didn’t quite sit right. It would make sense on its own, but something was ping-ponging around Zagreus’ mind that he couldn’t quite pin down. There was something he was missing.

Wait.

Thanatos had been happy when they woke up.

Thanatos had only gotten upset when Zagreus had said that he didn’t know what he’d done.

Oh fuck.

Than thought Zagreus had kissed him by mistake.

And that had made him… upset?

Thanatos had… enjoyed it?

And there it was. The last puzzle piece. The full picture was visible.

Than, agreeing to run away with him at 3 in the morning.

Than, hugging him in a gas station parking lot when everything seemed hopeless.

Than, taking him on what was now clearly a date at the medieval museum.

Than, buying him a fucking sword.

Than, sitting with him on the hill as he cried and the sun rose.

Than, facing Hurricane Hades alongside him, hanging up when Zagreus couldn’t.

Than, buying every watermelon in the store to cheer him up.

Than, booking a room with one bed.

Than, trusting him to fight the Bone Hydras.

Than, patching up his wounds after the battle.

Than, letting him hug Mort, even while bleeding.

Than, getting drunk with him in the trunk of the car.

Than, kissing him back.

...

_ Never gonna run around and desert you! _

At the sound of Rick Astley’s voice, Zagreus returned to the standard linear system of time with a jolt. Thanatos was still sitting across from him, there was still a McNugget in his hand. In terms of the physical world, nothing had changed.

Actually, that wasn’t quite true. Zagreus’ heart was pounding in his ears and his hands were shaking. His face felt hot. He was definitely blushing.

All the words he’d been wanting to say for days were surging through him, forcing their way through his lips. He leaned forwards.

“I’m sorry, Than. I entirely forgot last night. Could you remind me what it was like?”

Than leaned across the table towards him, grinning, blushing. “I can certainly try.”

The table was a little too big.

It was meant to comfortably seat four people, and Zagreus couldn’t quite reach Than’s face. They started laughing. There they were, kissing (or at least trying to) at McDonald’s at 2 AM, to the tune of Never Gonna Give You Up, stymied by a table.

“We’re just great at this, aren’t we? Hang on, I’ve got it.” Zagreus swung around the corner of the table into the chair between them. Out of the corner of his eye he could see Hermes staring pointedly out the window at Charon, whistling along to the music,  _ definitely  _ not watching out of the corner of his eye.

With all the distance between them now closed, Than reached out and pulled Zagreus in.

The kiss tasted like Chicken McNuggets, obviously.

All Zagreus was aware of was Thanatos’ lips against his, Than’s fingers on his neck, his own fingers against Than’s spine, and the weird texture of the McDonald’s chairs.

Was this really happening? Was he really here, making out with Thanatos, in a McDonald’s of all places? Surely this was some hallucination. He was in a coma, right? Any moment he’d wake up and be told of an awful car crash. He separated his mouth from Thanatos’. “Is this real? Am I awake?”

Than pressed his lips to Zagreus’ forehead. “Yes, Zag. This is real.”

“Why me?”

“What do you mean?”

“Why would you like someone like me? I’m a fuckup from a shitty family. I’m a verifiable dumbass.”

Than locked eyes with Zagreus and smiled. “You’re  _ my  _ verifiable dumbass. You’re kind, you make me happy, and, to be frank, you’re quite sexy.”

This was real, this was happening, and Than said he was sexy. He grinned. “Am I now?”

Than pressed his body against Zagreus, which was impressive, given that he was sitting in a McDonald’s chair. “Yes.”

Zagreus’ hands had just slipped beneath Than’s shirt when Hermes coughed. “Sirs, this is a McDonald’s and while I’m happy for you two, we could get customers at any time and our endless corporate greed requires you to stay clothed so as to not scare them off. Can I get you anything?”

“An ice cream would be nice.” They’d mostly disentangled themselves and Thanatos was smoothing out his shirt, still blushing furiously. At some point, Zagreus noticed, Than’s hand had found its way into his own. Whatever they were now, this was nice.

“As cliche as it is, I sadly have to tell you that the ice cream machine is broken. Sorry to disappoint you.”

“That’s fine! I’ll take a cookie! Than, do you want anything?”

“Zag, we still have an ungodly amount of Oreos in the car. Do you really need the cookie?”

"I always need the cookie."

A few minutes later, one relationship, 20 McNuggets, and one cookie happier, they walked out to the car, hand in hand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :)
> 
> my desire to write has returned!
> 
> This ain't over quite yet. we had Meg at the beginning, Lernie towards the middle, it's about time for the Champions of Elysium, and then finally Hades and Persephone (yes I set this fic up to match decently to a Hades run). At a rough estimate, we've got ~4 chapters to go.
> 
> I'm grateful to everyone who's been along for this ride, and everyone who's just stumbling across this now. Not sure why I'm getting all emotional when there's still a long way to go, but y'all're awesome.


End file.
